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Meet the Cows

Bovine BobBovine Bob (aka Doug DeLong) moosied over to Japan many moons ago to teach English to the Japanese people. It was his hope that by doing so, he would avoid the hassle of having to learn Japanese. That didn’t really work out – but along the way, he took up photography and other diversions, and in 2005 started the Emmy and Academy Award-winning Planet Japan podcast, a delightful listening experience enjoyed by everyone from presidents to peasants. He now resides in a Japanese mental institution under the delusion that he is a cow. But hay, it makes for good fodder! Listen to Planet Japan in the Podcast category.

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CowCowaguchi's avataraguchi is a Holy cow from India who came to wander Japan and teach the bovine way (ushido). He has never looked back. At first, he was perplexed that in Japan, they just looked at him as if he was Kobe beef or gyudon (a beef bowl). But slowly, he has turned many into bovine believers. As a bovine spiritual adviser and popular mootivational speaker, Cowaguchi is versed in the Japanese concept of mu and was the first to point out to his disciples that “Om” is really Japanese Mo (Moo) backwards. Cowaguchi is founder and president of the Japan Cow Network (JCN), and writes the weekly Moosletter for Humor-Us. Just for good measure, he avoids travel to Kobe.

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DazDazey Mayey May came from a herd of over 200 cattle in the pastures of the U.S. She was ostracized from the herd when, as a      calf, it was learned that she was lactose intolerant. The kind farmer, however, raised her on Red Bull instead. Dazey went to college where she entered the School of Agriculture and majored in herd management. After graduating, she moved to Japan in search of greener pastures. Shocked that there were few pastures in Japan, she went on a diet, and started drinking moogaritas instead. Shortly after, she bought a boat and spends most of her time cruising the Inland Sea looking for new places to tell you about in the Inland Sea category of Humor-Us. She also does the Inaka Dictionary category. She is a regular at the Moooo! Bar and is the Humor-Us website administrator.

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HugHugh Hefferh Heffer is often confused with those other famous ‘Hughs.’ Hugh Hefner, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman and the like. The only thing he believes he has in common with those other ‘Hughs’ is his name. He doesn’t live in a mansion surrounded by beautiful women, doesn’t have a British accent and can’t sing or dance! But, he does draw cow cartoons.  He claims his artistic skills were honed from taking a correspondence drawing course he found on the back page of a cowboy comic book. “Slipping away from the herd and doodling my silly comics,” he says, “probably saved me from becoming someone’s steak dinner.” Having herd that the Japanese mainly eat fish, he figured this was the right pasture for him, so he packed up and mooved. Nowadays, you can find ol’ Hugh hanging around dairy farms chatting up the Holsteins in a fake British accent. Hey, maybe he has more in common with those other ‘Hughs’ than he thinks! See his cowtoons in the Cartoons category.

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Mowreen Mowreen is out standing in her field. Indeed, that’s where you can usually find her. She says she’s a Holstein, but frankly we suspect she’s only a Halfstein, especially after a half stein or so of beer. Mowreen’s mission in life is to dispel the myth that Japan is impossibly expensive to travel to. She says, “Bull-oney! Japan, expensive? Udder nonsense! I mean, Cheese Louise, have you seen what European or even American travel costs these days??? I can stay in a Japanese business hotel for what a youth hostel costs in some parts of Europe.” She says she’s full of useful information. We agree that she’s definitely full of it. But you be the judge.

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UddUdder Smith-Suzukier Smith-Suzuki, 38, was born on a small, organic farm nestled at the foot of Hayden Mountains in Oregon.  Udder showed unusual promise as a teen, advising her farmer on proper macrobiotic diet and exercise regiments for the entire herd. Winning a scholarship to Naropa University in Boulder Colorado to study Buddhist Practices within Husbandry, she took advantage of a study abroad program to Japan in 1996.  Something in Japan united all her interests, and she mated with a Samurai Bull, and they settled on a small farm in rural Japan.  Today, Udder Smith-Suzuki oversees the nutrition and training of their herd, and has made it her life work to advise other foreign heifers and dairy cows eager to make their homes in Japan. She gives udderly fantastic advice in her column “Udder Things.”

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